my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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