he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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