Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
