i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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