I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
