Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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