dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
