my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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