I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
