Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
