Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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