Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
