It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
