Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
