Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
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I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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