She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
