I can text with my tongue
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
