Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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