I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Randomize
