those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
