Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
