He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
