my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
