Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
