OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
