I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
