You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
