When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I could make wine with my vomit
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now