please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
