Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
