I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
