Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
