Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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