Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
