Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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