her vagina looked like bernie madoff
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
