I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
