I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
