I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
