Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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