So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
