I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
