Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
