you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
