omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
