We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
