How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
