I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
