I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
