UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
