I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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