I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
