If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
