it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
