Acid is not a monday night drug
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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