my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
