I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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