I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
