Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
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Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
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Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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