I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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