I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
