so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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