I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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